It was n’t supposed to go down like this . The Macalope had other thing to talk about . Like how funny brim continues to be , and the guy who bitch about iPad lineage , and how Motorola promise thenextXoom will be the real winner and … and …
And then PCWorld ’s Katherine Noyes overturned a tanker truck full of stupid all over the selective information highway .
Put on your hazmat suits , shaver . We ’re going in .
No. Way.
The Macalope knows you ’ll be just as dismayed as he was to hear that Katherineisn’t impressed by the iPad 2 . Which is to say not blow out of the water at all . Indeed , anyotherreaction would have been a truly shocking event .
At the endangerment of offending Apple lover far and wide …
We ’re right smart past that , Katherine .
… I ca n’t for the life of me see what there is to be excited about in Apple ’s new iPad .
Weird . You ’ve always shown such objectiveness about Apple ’s products before .
[ eye rolling wave ]
show more …
get ’s be honest , Katherine . You did n’t earnestly moot the feature of speech of the iPad 2 . We jazz that . Your galling compulsion is for open source and , as iOS is not open root , that ’s all you ask to make out . You crossed it off your list before it was announce . It ’s not like anyone who have it away you wonders what you might think of the iPad 2 . You were going to hate it . And you ’re going to hate the iPad 3 and the iPhone 5 and whatever else Apple ships that does n’t follow with Ubuntu Incontinent Ibex on it . We get it already .
“ The specs are fundamentally what everyone else is descend out with in three to four months , ” NPD Group retail researcher Stephen Bakertold my Computerworld colleague .
Assuming that does in fact happen , that would give Apple what ? Say it with me , everybody : a three or four month lead . Baker also does n’t discuss at what price these similarly configured tablets will be sold , but some of the ware in the line might finally be priced competitively . Forsomereason , Katherine chose not to quote Baker from later on in that piece where he noted Apple ’s reward in apps and a better overall experience .
In fact , that ’s the second metre Katherine ’s linked to the same piece — a spell which quote an analyst from J. Gold Associates as saying :
“ Apple did n’t really move the ginmill all that much , ” say Jack Gold , an analyst at J. Gold Associates . “ I do n’t see this as capitulum above the competitor , specially the Xoom , right now . Apple fans who want the latest will buy this or promote , but I do n’t see any overwhelmingly compelling capabilities that would make the great unwashed sitting on the tablet fence go out and buy one . ”
Is n’t it always awesome how many of those mindless “ Apple fan ” there are ? Millions and million of them ! What motivates them ? Well , there ’s some disagreement as to whether it ’s zealotry or the world distortion field , but what we know for sure is that it ’s not the informality of use , reasonable price point , and robust ecosystem of the iPad ! As if !
The Macalope look up J. Gold Associates , as he ’d never heard of them before , and he wonder if anyone should really be listening to a “ Technology Analyst Firm ” ( boldedandcapitalized on their site , so you know they ’re really in force ) with a sitethat looks like it was made with Microsoft FrontPage circa 1997 . Ol’ Jack ’s sustain a chronicle ofquestionable judgement on Apple . Maybe it ’s just the Macalope , but the name “ Jack Gold ” sounds more suited to a porno manufacturer than a “ Technology Analyst . ” Then again , Jack does seem to be in the business of providing anti - Apple “ money quotes , ” which is sort of like porno for those suffering from Apple derangement syndrome .
Anyway , back to Katherine .
7 . It ’s All Marketing
That ’s good , Katherine . It ’s all marketing . Claiming an Apple Cartesian product is tucker out the dressing out of your favorite platform because of marketing should always be scan as “ I have no idea what ’s going on and no interest in try on to visualize it out because I ’m very angry ! ”
In a Retrevo survey publish about a year ago , the majority of consumers said they did n’t really want an iPad .
This is seriously wretched . This sight is from more thana yearago . Even if you ignore the fact that the Macalopedebunked this sketch aright in the eyewhen it come in out , the survey is , you know , more than a year honest-to-goodness . It ’s been debunk byreality . The Macalope guess that Katherine had to go back that far because even Retrevo ’s own subsequent surveysshow the iPad being a consumer favorite .
The sleep of the man is a yawning - inducing accumulation of conventional Wisdom of Solomon that Katherine trot out for PCWorldoverand over again . maybe because they detest their readers . peradventure there ’s another possible reason , but one ’s not coming to the Macalope .
An inconvenient truth
Pity the Macalope , dear lecturer .
No preferably had he finished deconstruct the patch above — almost literally as he was wrapping up and fix to get on with his biography … to startlivingagain — then the crimson alarum fromMacworldheadquarters signaled in his secret lair .
Katherine was at it again .
Now , the Macalope ’s not gon na dwell to you . This is move to be a hard one . Almost every syllable of this slice contains more than the USDA recommended daily dosage of dazed . Even the title could put you over a week ’s allowance . Ready ?
Why Tablets Are Just A Fad
Children , pregnant women , and anyone with a heart condition should go read some gracious how - to by Chris Breen . The relaxation of you brave souls , just breathe through your olfactory organ and bide hydrous . If you need to take a disruption … that ’s OK .
Here we go .
Ever since rumor of Apple ’s first iPad began to depend credible back in 2009 , I ’ve been watching the tablet space with a mixture of wonderment and confusedness .
As in “ I wonder what ’s going on ? I ’m really confused ! ”
After all , the machine really do n’t offer anything you ca n’t get on a smartphone or a notebook computer computer , and their form factor is inconvenient , at best .
“ Inconvenient ” ? Have you ever even used a tablet , Katherine ? Orseenone ?
Yet firm sales event are backing up the hype — at least for now — suggesting something about the devices has caught on with consumers .
That ismarvelous . Because the iPad is selling by the metric ton , thissuggestspeople like them .
But they don’t . They secretly hate tabletsandApple , for make them purchase tablet ! Katherine ’s the only reasonable soul in a world gone mad !
What is that mysterious “ something ” ? Purely marketing , I believe .
“ I have no idea what ’s going on and no interest group in try out to figure it out because I ’m very angry ! ”
Mark my words : The equipment — and all the others of its like that have spring up for a piece of the action — are nothing more than a overstep furor , at least in the mainstream .
Oh , those words are marked , Katherine . Marked with a handsome roofy around them and the words “ KOO - KOO CRAZY BANANAS ” written next to them .
As far as I can tell , tablets do not offer any substantial functionality that ’s not already usable on a smartphone or notebook computer computing machine , yet they miss decisive components like keyboards .
As far as you could separate ? You really have never used a tablet , have you ?
So why the hysteria ? It ’s a fancy fresh toy , and — in the guinea pig of the iPad — one from Apple , at that . Never underestimate consumers ’ desire to impress each other with the latest and greatest gadget , peculiarly if they ’re Apple fans .
I just do n’t see why you ’d be uncoerced to deport one of these thing around — in addition to a phone , most likely — when you could have something commodious ( a single good smartphone ) or powerful ( a laptop ) .
This is the kind of inquisitive mind that goes into engineering punditry .
Look , why not just say that you recognize it ’s not for you , because you have sex undecided source more than atmosphere , but allow that other masses might like it ? While it ’s not the Macalope ’s cupful of tea , he can see why other citizenry use Linux . And not just because they ’re anti - government nuts with tremendous neck beards who have difficulty interact with other masses , so they be given to have to plump for their own computer hardware and software .
Notjustbecause .
But , the point is , if the Macalope , who has a chief forge like a Classic Mac , can be open minded about Linux , it does n’t seem unreasonable to expect Katherine to be open minded about things she does n’t personally use .
And , yet , here we are . Popping Advil and drinking gin right out of the bottle .
It ’s true that other manufacturers are still hot on Apple ’s lead with their own iPad - like contenders , but the release of the iPad 2 made it open that excitement with the devices is already wither .
fade ? Katherine , thelinesfor the iPad 2haven’t even started fading . You still have to wait a month to order one online . Now you ’re just make water up things that fly in the face of what ’s actually going on .
I see no reason to own a tablet , and fully carry them to fade out of the mainstream over the next few years .
This may number as a seismic disturbance to Ms. Noyes , but she is notthe Lathe of Heaven . Her dreams do not make world . This is plainly fingers - in - the - ear denial , possibly because of Android - establish tablets continuing to have their butts give to them by the iPad .
There ’s a principle any first - grader can tell you : When you ’re losing the game , you call the plot stupefied , flip the add-in and go home .
Why PCWorld would publish that as “ psychoanalysis ” , that ’s the mystery .
Tablet h8
What ’s credibly got Katherine upset is that Android tablets do n’t seem to — yet , anyway — be getting the form of traction Android smartphones have . Why might that be ? Despite Noyes ’s insistance that what people really care about is “ open ” versus “ walled gardens , ” the Macalope thinks it ’s mostly been because Android phones are uncommitted on more carriers and cost less . To escort , Android tablets have neither of these reward .
Still , the Macalope thinks Katherine may have flipped the board too shortly . Samsung ’s Galaxy Tab revisionscould well be the first real achiever of the Macalope ’s “ Is It rival Yet ? ” game when they come up out ( which is n’t until June 8) .
On the other mitt , maybe Katherine ’s sour on tablets because Google ’s definition of “ open ” when it comes to Honeycombseems to be a lilliputian on the loose .
Whatever the reason , PCWorld owes mankind an explanation for why it write this claptrap ( other than as link bait ) .
Our only solacement is that one sidereal day they ’ll suffice to the ire of a vengeful God .
BONUS FOURTH THING
Now , the Macalope is only contractually obligated to land you three item every calendar week . But this was kind of a jumpy hebdomad and he does n’t need to leave you with the bad taste of Katherine Noyes in your mouth . No , he wants to forget you with something more uplifting . Something that will cleanse your palate and rejuvenate your soul .
That ’s right , red-faced Ailuropoda melanoleuca playing in the snow .
Go forrader . savor it . You ’re a survivor .
( Programming note : there will be no Saturday column from the Macalope next week , but expect for a peculiar April Fool ’s Clarence Shepard Day Jr. edition next Friday . )
