Dear readers , I have a confession : I am a smoking compartment . I lit my first Kool menthol when I was 17 , and what get down as a infantile fallal step by step snowball into a nasty , life - jeopardize addiction . But before you cover your face and cough when you walk by me , know that I ’m attempt to relinquish . You see , I ’m going through a form in which I ’m trying to ameliorate myself , physically and virtuously . ( Also , the woman I ’m dating keeps throwing away my packs . ) So imagine how I felt when I read a few workweek ago thatlaser printers model smashing health risks — as in the same kind of peril vex by breathing in cigarette smoke .

Did I mention my responsibilities atMacworldinclude stick around on top of the printing machine beat as well as test the machines for Macworld Lab ? There ’s usually at least one laser printer in my cell every day . So you could imagine how I can find the Reaper ’s icy paw reaching for me when I show thing like :

So , just to be clear here : I ’m inhaling coffin nail smokeandultra - all right particles that contribute to air befoulment . I ’m doom . I watch a lot ofHouseso my enlightened guess tells me I ’ve have about two months entrust before they ’re crystallize out my stall and sadly reminiscing about how full of biography I seemed .

So to myMacworldcolleagues : When the dread laser - printer disease induce my inevitable tragically comical death , you ’re welcome to help yourselves to two items each from my stall . I have a special reservation for Carli Morgenstein , our intriguer , to keep the Ricoh cell earpiece cleaner I get at last January’sMacworld Expo . ( I sleep with she ’s always envied the fringe benefit that came with my Book of Job . Associate editor Eric Suesz already has dibs on my preferent cactus , and I think my boss Jim Galbraith had an eye onmy Canon GL-1 . As for the rest of you , you ’re free to avail yourselves to my piles of empty toner cartridge , go iBook chargers , and burned OS X DVDs . And you could all help yourselves to the antidepressants I take every 24-hour interval to wake myself up after dejeuner ( in the Altoids can near my phone ) . Yum . I love you all .

To my fellowship : I suppose I ought to give you a portion of my life story savings . I ’ve got a secret piggy bank meticulously stashed in my Onitsuka Tiger shoebox on my desk . sense free to take it and break up it , but verify to leave the quarters behind for my roommate Travis . He does a bunch of laundry .

To my good admirer , Jenn de la Vega : I bestow upon you an rating unit of the Photosmart D5160 . Sure , its photo are a bit oversharpened , reds look dark , and the control board has deadening limitations , but the D5160 is a fast , attractive , well-situated - to - use of goods and services printing machine that ’s capable of print at once on ink - jet - quick CDs and DVD . I visualize that last part should be useful to you since you ’re in the criminal record diligence .

To the gang ( Peter , Cynthia , Steven and Chris ): You ’ve always been there for me . So I thought it ’d only be fair if I were there for you , monetarily if not physically . You ’re each welcome to divide among yourselves what remains of my healthy organs . My lungs are , of course , shot , but my kidneys should be healthy , and my liver might still be harvestable . And if you ’re lucky , you might strike Au with my ticker . I eat a lot of broccoli .

To Jaime : kudos ! You get to draw the benefits of dating a mankind in the ever - so - lucrative industry of publication . For you , I ’ve left behind my diamond - studded place , which you ’re free to auction on eBay , and the burnished monocle I endure to the rural area club . You could plausibly do something with the five apartment flats that I own , too . I hear they ’ll be worth something finally .

This list would go on , but I ’m afraid I ’ve catch to cut it short . I have an engagement to go volcano diving in a few hour , and then I ’m going to squeeze in some vivid sessions of miniature golf andonline Scrabble . Time is precious .

Farewell , cosmos . I ’m proud to have straighten out the community with my sage - like advice on buying printing machine . My last bit of advice ? possibly I should n’t have kept all those laser printers nearby .