Wichita , Kansas — If one were to measure a successful trip by the amount of clock time versus dollar spend , my trip home from the recent MacMania cruise is a marvellous success .

When last we met , I was lose in a vengeful phantasy — planning how I would serve Alitalia interpreter Paulo - of - the - white - Eurotrash - glasses and Blameless Marco for turning what should have been a long daytime of traveling into a days recollective endurance contest . Little did I know when I file the story that there would be more to distinguish . It ’s like this :

If Alitalia had abide by my confirmed slate from Rome to Cincinnati , I would n’t have had to narrate the Blameless Marco that I would do anything to get out of Rome on Monday .

Where it all began …

If I had chosen to stay in Rome , I would n’t have found myself draw an hour late on the trajectory from Rome to Paris .

If Air France had n’t held up its Paris to Rome flight to accommodate me and other rider , I would n’t have eventually found myself at New York ’s JFK airport .

If I had n’t arrived at JFK at the end of the evening , I would n’t have had to spend the night in a nearby Ramada Inn that one could generously depict as “ only ill-scented . ”

If I had log Z’s in and neglect my Delta flight from JFK to San Francisco , I would n’t have been rudely interrupt by the skipper mid - trajectory , reporting that due to an rock oil leakage in one of the engineswe would make an emergency brake landing place in Wichita , Kansas . What the captaindidn’treport is that they had shut down the locomotive engine and landed without it .

When Chris does return to us , this will not be the airplane that brings him here .

If this was a major airport , there would have been a replacement jet ready to carry us to San Francisco instead of a mechanic that Delta brought in to check out the plane .

If the mechanic and crowd were completely sure of their piece of work , they would n’t have had to take all the baggage out of the plane in pillow slip it turns out to be degraded to put us all on another airplane and send us somewhere else .

If some of that baggage was mine , I could change out of the now - cruddy gray ( and get down grayer ) t - shirt and jeans that I ’ve been living in for nearly two days . In all likelihood , that baggage is on its elbow room to Bombay .

If I had slumber more than a couple of hours in those retiring two days , I would seriously consider renting a car , driving to Kansas City , and book a flight of steps with any common carrier other than Delta .

If I knew any meat barons here in the Midwest , I ’d call in a favour and demand sound out baron to fly me and a twosome of other Mac - using patron similarly marooned in Wichita home on his private honey oil .

If I had any horse sense , I ’d just walk home rather of taking the tickets from Wichita - to - Dallas / Ft . Worth and then Dallas / Ft . Worth to San Francisco . gratefully , Delta is now out of the equation and has turned my destiny over to two other airline .

If I knew the end of this story , I would come up with a snappy and somewhat philosophic determination .

I do n’t .

So I ca n’t .

Stay tuned .