Literally everything about Apple stinks , including the things that do n’t . And the things they never even foretell ? They ’re late .
Writing forFast Company , Mark Wilson key a hate letter of the alphabet to Apple .
“ Dear Apple , Please Fix Boring Problems This Year . ”(Tip o ’ the antler to@JonyIveParody . )
That affair you pick up was really effective ? It ca n’t be . Otherwise the story does n’t do work .
Then in 2016 , Apple announced AirPods — a wireless earbuddeemed vile by the Wall Street Journal …
Well , we probably should n’t calculate at the whole newspaper headline from that link , should we ? I entail , Wilson could n’t be omitting any salient point from it , sure as shooting , because that would be … uh , yeah , totallyin characterfor him , yes , countenance ’s just take a peep …
“ Best Wireless Earbuds : Apple ’s AirPods ( Yes , Those Ugly Things ) . ”
substantially . Wireless . Earbuds . The Macalope has seen people bury the lead-in before but he ’s not sure he ’s seen someone swallow up the first one-half of a headline .
And they are the best wireless earbuds , bud . They ’re not bad . The Macalope will say it again : criticise the AirPods is just stenography for enounce “ I do not own AirPods . ” Are they perfect ? No . They are not . However , they are the kind of classic Apple merchandise that ’s so good when it ’s skilful that it make you block when it ’s bad . Also , it ’s never as bad as the other truly spoiled products in the same category .
But in Wilson ’s scenario of doom , they have to be bad because everything at Apple is bad . Even the hooey they do n’t actually make .
Meanwhile , Apple scale back the largest aspiration of its tightlipped self - driving fomite programme . Rumor has it the company will no longer ramp up its own vehicle , but a system for railway car manufacturer to integrate into their own invention .
And amid all of these delays and misses …
How does one “ lose ” on the shipment of a product they do n’t even make yet ? This is like an adjunct to the problem of Schrödinger ’s computed tomography in which the corner containing the cat is put in a ego - driving car that get perplex in dealings .
One affair that is certainly reliable , though , is that the grocery for self - driving car is all sewn up now and it ’s right smart too late for Apple to have an shock in it since everyone owns a ego - driving railway car already and you ’re reading this article while you rally in one because the car , they drive themselves .
OH , WELL . BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME , APPLE .
The Mac Pro — the flagship of Apple background hardware — hasn’t been updated since 2013 …
The iMac is unarguably the flagship of Apple desktop computer hardware , not the Mac Pro . But , hey , the iMac did n’t get an update in 2016 , either , which is the first year it has n’t meet even so much as a upper bump since its introduction . One year is n’t nearly as forged as the Mac Pro ’s epic drought , however .
The newfangled Macbook Pro has a Touchbar [ sic ] that look like something woolgather up by an intern at HP .
Again , most people who use the Touch Bar really wish it , but we ca n’t hold that because everything must be frightening and hated . It ’s the Tinkerbell of Apple end of the world : You just have to trust everything is awful . Boo , children ! Only your relentless booing will save the Tinkerbell of Apple doom !
Microsoft , smell blood in the water , has give up on phone but focused on the time to come of the laptop and desktop . Its Surface pedigree isnot only selling wellto the mainstream , it ’s experimenting sharply to nock the Photoshopping , Maya - ing , and AutoDesk - ing market place , too .
Anyone who is compelled to switch in an Apple intersection for a deduction on a Surface seems more likely to convulse their iPhone for Android , too .
Oh , wholly . If you ’re frustrated with one trouble , why not burn your intact human race to the ground and salt the earth ? That just build mother wit .
Yes , Apple has problems . ( Microsoft also has problems but is always presumed to be able to Microsoft their elbow room out of them becauseMicrosoft ! ) Somehow , though , Apple just having job is never good enough . The companionship must be made to seem like itonlyhas problems . The reasons for this continue to flummox this furred observer .
