The Macalope has been riding Apple pretty hard about its terrible human relationship with its retail workers . It really is terrible , though . Just frightening .
You know it ’s speculative when they try not to pay them for the time they pass searching their pocketbook and then they top it off by ( allegedly ) making a fake mating to examine to get them not to unionise .
I ’m not disturbed , son . Justdisappointed .
Still , there ’s one stinky thing Apple has n’t done to its employees lately ( at least notyet ) that all of its contender have flocked to like bugs to a zapper . And that is to pose them off .
Let ’s take a prompt look around at the other companies rush to dump those pesky employees . What did we ever hire them for ? !
The Macalope must ask that you please take your hissing until all of the layoffs have been declare .
“ HISSSSSSS ”
Please ! What did the Macalope say ? ! We ’re not done yet !
Okay , hiss away . There are undoubtedly more but we do n’t have all day and we have a lot of sibilate to do .
HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS .
It ’s uncanny how they all independently take to lay off employees around the same time .
[ setting : Amazon and Microsoft are on their interruption , smoking cigarettes out behind … Lake Union or something , I do n’t know ]
Amazon : So , uh , looks likethe stock market wants us to lay off a cluster of employees .
Microsoft : Ugh , again ? !
Amazon : Yeah . So , uh , so … how many employees are you pose off ?
Microsoft : Uh , I had n’t decided yet . How many are you pose off ?
Amazon : I ask you first .
Microsoft : Uhhh … ten ?
Amazon : Ten ? !
Microsoft : THOUSAND.TEN THOUSAND .
Amazon : Ten thousand ? I guess that ’s o.k. . For you . I ’m gon na do18,000 .
Microsoft : Well …
[ Amazon flicks cigarette off ]
Amazon : Catch ya later .
Microsoft : I … Uhnnnnnnnn .
Price collusion is a big problem in the business world but layoff collusion is plainly A - O - K.
It should go without tell that while it ’s respectable to be treated with respect at the bargaining board , it ’s also good not be present to the American Stock Exchange like yesterday ’s scum .
At least one Apple employee has taken it upon himself to tighten his belt in the current market .
“ Tim Cook taking $ 50 million remuneration cut in 2023 at his own request ”
Now , let ’s be clear : Tim ’s nothurting . Tim ’s not switch from Cap’n Crunch to Western Family Generic Ship Captain Mouth - Cutting Breakfast Product . He ’s still going to be piss about $ 49 million , but that ’s down from his $ 84 million take - home in 2022 . Which he did take home and still has stuffed under his mattress . ( It ’s a vast mattress . )
Still , he ’s just like you and me . He gets lour into his pants every morning by a atomic number 79 - plated Rube Goldberg machine , two legs at a time .
You do n’t put your pants on that way ? Huh .
IDG
It ’s worth note that this dramatic pay cut is n’t specifically being done to keep from having to lay anyone off , although $ 50 million could save thousands of jobs . No , it comes at the suggestion of shareholder , who just seemed to think Cook was making too much . These are the same masses who are probably wondering why Apple does n’t also disregard some of that dead weight . You know , the people who are doing all the rag and product exploitation and stuff , that stupid junk .
Indeed , many of the companies that did cut heavily were rewarded with spikes in their parcel prices after the announcements , despite the fact thatthe research seems to indicatelarge layoffs do more equipment casualty than they ’re worth . Unless , of course of action , your goal is to temporarily pump up your stock options . Then it work a goody .
Regardless of the reasons , it ’s nice to see Apple does right by its employees by act out executive pay cut and not staging layoff . Still , the Macalope ca n’t help but hope the troupe will someday decide it require to be a triplex menace and transfer its tune on unions .
