4 - 15 billion class ago : The universe , galaxy , and solar organization are shape , and the Earth begin to cool down , forming the sway that will one day inhabit Gil Amelio ’s head .
1 Million BC : Space aliens arrive on Earth and leave a vast array of technological wonder in a hoard in the Nevada desert . or else of a torment , the entrance is engraved with a complicated end - user license agreement .
On second thought , mayhap those really are n’t that different .
4,400 years BC : Eve is allure in the garden of Eden and takes an apple from the serpent .
4,397 eld BC : Eve ’s extend AppleCare guarantee runs out . A twenty-four hours later she begins to hear fan noise .
1666 : Sir Isaac Newton is struck upon the head by a falling apple and discover gravity . Later the same day , he files the first lawsuit against Apple , but is distinguish he will have to wait another 310 years .
1942 : The cache of technology in the Nevada desert is see , setting the computing equipment revolution in which Apple will dally an integral part into apparent motion . Government researchers immediately begin ferment on digital porn .
1955 : Steven Paul Jobs is bear in San Francisco , Calif. Several minutes afterwards he angrily conducts his first firing when his female parent ’s obstetrician suggests Jobs be bottle fed .
1968 : The Beatles form Apple Corps to sell records . Says Ringo Starr at the metre : “ It ’s my belief that this will put us in a strategic position to one solar day circulate music through a global computer web that does not yet survive . ” Unfortunately for Apple Corps , since it ’s Ringo , no one pays the svelte bit of attention .
1970 : caper satisfy Steve Wozniak for the first time . Wozniak is somewhat put off when Jobs asks him if he would n’t take care stand in Jobs ’ shadow for the rest period of his life .
1974 : Steve Wozniak work at Hewlett - Packard where he discovers the alien applied science locked in a back room . Wozniak uses it to make a reality distorted shape field that Jobs quickly claim as his own .
1976 : Jobs and Wozniak contour Apple Computer in Jobs ’ parent ’ garage , in good order between the lawn lawn mower and the old copies of National Geographic . job ’ mother would ofttimes scream out to them , “ What are you boys doing out there ? ! ” to which they would reply , “ Just soldering . ” Job ’ female parent did not be intimate what soldering was but she hoped it was n’t slang for whatever unsavory thing kids were into back then .
1980 : Steve Jobs asseverate his way on to the Macintosh projection team , pushing out Jef Raskin . That would be spoiled enough , but running around have got a Macintosh prototype over Raskin ’s promontory and playing “ keep - away ” was probably uncalled for .
1983 : job asks Pepsi Chief Executive John Sculley to come to Apple as CEO . Sculley looks down at his legal launchpad which hold six months ’ worth of doodles and the Holy Writ “ melodic theme : New Pepsi ? ” spell in the margin and agree .
1984 : Apple airs its renowned Super Bowl ad during the 1984 lucifer - up between the Raiders and the Redskins . The commercial would reign as Best Super Bowl Ad Ever until it was overtaken in 2005 by the one where the GoDaddy.com girl ’s top come off .
1985 : After a falling out with Sculley , Jobs give up from the ship’s company , but not until after their illustrious May slap - fight in the Apple circuit card elbow room , during which Microsoft introduce Windows 1.0 .
1985 : Hoping to recapture its Super Bowl success from the previous year , Apple devises a promotional architectural plan where the coach of the winning team will be put out with a shower bath of Macs . The plan ends in disaster when a Macintosh 512k shatters Bill Walsh ’s hip .
1986 - 1992 : Sculley focus all his attention on the introduction of the Newton , which becomes the next great calculation weapons platform of the future with flawless handwriting recognition , a vivacious developer community , and a free pony for each Newton exploiter .
1993 : Apple ’s board fires Sculley when it ’s discovered that he can not bend spoons with his mind , as he claim in his job consultation .
1994 : Macs start the transition to the PowerPC , just one part of the companionship ’s poorly - conceive “ Time to mess up with our developers ” strategy .
1995 : orchard apple tree licenses the Mac O , advance licensees to fill market the company is n’t already in . thing get off on the wrong understructure , however , when Power Computing CEO Steve Kahng literally eats Mike Spindler ’s dejeuner when the Apple CEO is n’t wait .
1996 : Spindler resign and is replaced by a underage rock formation dub “ Gil Amelio ” by geologists . The sway formation is still a marked improvement over Spindler , most notably for its decision to ditch the Copland project and instead buy Next , work Steve Jobs back to the company .
1997 : Jobs assume the interim chief operating officer post and immediately orders Gil Amelio buried in a Utah landfill . He also terminates the cloning license , kills the Newton , announces an bond with Microsoft , begins selling Macs directly online and has the entire Apple campus go three inches to the left to amend the feng shui .
1998 : The iMac is put in , launching a yield - season trend in design that , in retrospect , we belike could have done without .
2001 : To meliorate its image with consumers , Apple open up retail stock in high - final stage shopping mall , provide a primal outlet for the iPod when it ’s released in October . Job ’ subsequent endeavor to sneak into homes to redeem iPods was meet with sharp screeching of “ Aaaagh ! Mommy , who ’s the human beings in the blue jeans and grim turtleneck coming down the lamp chimney ? ! ”
The iPod is immediately declared over - priced and under - featured . The analysts are right once again as the iPod fail drearily .
2003 : Apple launches the iTunes Music Store , which is resoundingly set to be over - price and under - featured . The analyst are right once again as the iTunes Music Store fails dismally .
2005 : Steve Jobs announces that Macs will be switched to the Intel chipset . Somewhere a MUG appendage angrily jeopardize to swop to Windows but quietly buys an Intel - based Mac mini a class subsequently .
psychoanalyst — who had call for the move for age — now shop it out from sheer reflex to denounce anything Apple does .
